cobraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa | 51

Current Location: Vermillion City

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51 | Video

[The feed displays one Cobra Commander. One Cobra Commander who apparently doesn’t care about hiding his location today. He’s in an office, and it’s the same one the Rockets have seen on his last video, but it may be a somewhat hard to figure out since the camera’s shaking back and forth. Also, he’s yelling. Really loudly. If this office wasn’t part of Team Rocket, there’d probably be an officer en route to issue citations for disturbing the peace.]

Look at thissss! Look at it!

[The camera swings around to show an open crate. It’s rather large, but doesn’t seem to have much in it. There are some scraps of colored paper on the bottom of it, and that’s about it.]

Thisss crate was carrying very important cargo and one of you had the audacity to sssteal it! And not just ssteal it, but leave me thisss…this garbage in its place!

[Yet another camera turn to a desk, clearly Cobra Commander does not care if anyone gets motion sickness from his rage fueled camerawork. On top of the desk are several items, and he takes the time to focus on each one of them. The first is an overturned sack and an assortment of play money, some of it shredded into confetti. The second is a plastic disc, similar to HM02. The third is an obviously fake deed for Cianwood City. Now that everyone’s gotten a good look at this stuff, the Commander finally turns the camera to his face, and he's definitely not done yelling yet.]

One of you decided to steal my property and replace it with thisss junk! And I have a very good idea of who it was sssince they were stupid enough to leave a note! And you will pay! You will pay dearly! I will recover my property and make sure you ssssuffer for your little joke! On earth I’ve held the world hostage and brought nations to their knees! I’ve committed numerous criminal acts here in Johto, and all of that will pale in comparison to what I’m going to do when I find you! All of them! I’ll use every connection I have in Johto and Kanto to have you found and destroyed! And if anyone tries to help you or get in my way, then they’ll suffer the sssame fate! Or worse!

And to that brat who thought he could assault me and get away with it, I haven’t forgotten about that! I’ll get you too! Remember that! No one attacks Cobra Commander and gets away with it! Especially not you!

[He could go on and on, but he'll cut the feed there. Being attacked and robbed in the same week has done wonders for his temper.]

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[Oh. Oh, this is not good, not good at all; Leto take the entire goddamn garage, this is not good.

The speed with which Kimblee's mind switches over to Damage Control mode is unable to be clocked, it kicks in so quickly; when the commanding officers are not happy, no one is happy and he's fully aware of this. Of course, he also hasn't exactly managed anything in the last month outside of managing to poison Lightning, and Cobra has already acknowledged him for that so he has nothing to use to defuse the situation and ohgodohmanohgodohman fretfretfretfret -

He manages to compose himself by the time he turns on the feed; he's not pleased, but at the very least he's calm, and it reflects in his voice, his tone even when he speaks. He's not sure if that's going to calm the rage somewhat or just going to fuel it, but at least it's keeping himself centered for the time being.

And yet he cannot shake a very specific, incredibly rare feeling that crops up from time to time - the distinct feeling that this is gonna suck.]

Commander.

I've no doubt that you want this dealt with as soon as possible; I'm awaiting orders regarding how to proceed.

[Now that he's calmed down the Pokémon in the Azalea PokéCenter who were startled when several PokéGears came on at once to Cobra's raging, he can turn to the source of the problem.]

You're too loud. Be quiet.

[Because that's going to go over so well.]

[Sorry, Kimblee. No orders here. Only rage.]

Orders? I don’t have any orders right now! I want the person who did this found and shot! Or used to test Kato’s device! Or any number of things! But I’m not about to order anything! Not yet! First I need to recover what was stolen and find out how they did this!

[Though in retrospect putting the name Cobra Commander on the invoice and signing it as Cobra Commander might not have been the smartest idea.]

And then I'll give orders! Like I ssssaid, I'm going to utilize every connection I've made in thisss place to have the thief hunted down! And I meant that! Every sssingle one!

[Well, he's not going to take that well at all.]

Be quiet? You dare tell me to be quiet? I don't think you understand! Ssssomeone has committed a capital offense against me and they are going to pay for it! They are going to pay dearly! And everyone should know about it! Everyone! It's that important!

[Yep. Yep, this is sucking, oh boy.]

You said you have an idea of who did this...?

Lost something, did you?

That's right! I do!

[He'll just reach into his pocket and dramatically produce a piece of paper. Unfortunately, since being mad is sort of reducing his competency levels far beyond their normal state, he doesn't hold it up to the camera.]

Do you ssssee this? They included thisss note! And this note gives me a clear idea of who they are! Once I get a name or description, they're finished! Finished!

[What is that? Is that a text? Who on earth is texting him? Can't they see that he doesn't have time for this nonsense?]

[Wait.

Wait.

What? That Gear signal. That's the same one as...]

[Oh, they have some nerve texting him after stealing his property and leaving this stupid riddle note.]

[Before he really thinks about what he's doing, Kimblee quite suddenly finds himself in the process of picking up the 'Gear and tilting it awkwardly, as though that's going to let him see whatever it is that Cobra is holding, there.

Criminal masterminds, ladies and gentlemen.]

I...can't exactly say that I can see it from here, no - what is it that's so distinctive about it?

You! You did thisss! Didn't you? Don't even try to lie!

[Admittedly, it probably would've helped if he had moved the note closer to the camera. Oh well, too late for that now.]

It's a riddle! Telling me where my chair is!

[That's what all this is about. Someone snatched his giant snake chair. It's about this big, with snakes carved into the arm rests. Seen it anywhere?]

And there's only one person I know who wastes my time with thisss sort of nonsense!

We'll make a detective of you yet.

Of course I did.

[It's a riddle, telling you where your...]

Wait. Wait. So you're saying that...

[...]

Someone stole your...chair.

[...

... ... ...

... ... ... ... ...COBRA IS ALL OF THIS SERIOUSLY OVER A CHAIR

IS

IT

REALLY

oh my god if he were a lesser man he'd cry]

[Apollo is unimpressed with your outrage.]

You scared the Pokémon at the PokéCenter with all that yelling.

What did they do that's so important that everyone has to know?

[But he doesn't want to be a detective.]

Do you honestly think you can get away with thissss? No one sssteals from me and gets away with it! No one! When I get my hands on you, you'll wish the thought of robbing me never even crossed your mind! In fact, you'll regret even being born by the time I'm done with you!

[It's the principle of the thing, Kimblee. It's his and someone took it. That is completely unacceptable. Plus, it's a really nice chair.]

Yes, I'm sssaying that someone took my throne! Someone pried open the crate I put it in, ssstole it, and filled the crate with junk! To mock me!

[He'll pan the camera back to the shredded play money, the deed, and that disc to prove his point. See? Junk.]

Are you deaf or sssomething? I've been robbed! This is unacceptable! Completely unacceptable! And who cares if the Pokemon are ssscared? I certainly don't! All I care about is finding the person responsssible for thissss!

It's not as much fun when you're on the wrong end of a crime, is it?

Keep that in mind the next time you decide to put innocent people at risk.

[Well, yes, that certainly is junk, and it certainly is a mockery of your demands, but Kimblee is still trying to catch up here.]

You have a throne.

[...and by "catching up", I mean "he's missing the forest for the trees." Right. Right, that's probably not terribly important, hold on, let him try to just...get his brain to stop crying at you.]

Was anything else stolen, besides this throne of yours?

[He's honestly still trying to get over the fact that you have a throne to begin with. You actually have a goddamn throne. He has no idea how he feels about this, or how one even goes about obtaining thrones to begin with - don't they just sort of come with the whole ruling-things territory? Logically someone has to make them, but for some reason it had never occurred to him until just now that you could technically just go out and purchase a throne like it wasn't even a thing. Huh. Learn something new every day.

...either way, this certainly explains a whole lot about Cobra, there, goodness.]

Ahh, looks like they gave you everything you asked for.

I'll put whoever I want at risk! Ssstarting with you!

[Clearly, if there was a lesson to be learned here, it went right over his head.]

And we'll sssee how much fun you have being on the wrong end of my wrath!

I did!

[Doesn't every megalomaniac wanting to conquer the world have one?]

And nothing else was sssstolen! It was the only thing in the crate! I'm lucky I didn't put anything else in there! They would have taken that too! And then things would be even worse!

This isn't what I asked for! This isn't what I asked for at all! I asked for real money! A real HM! And a real city! And not at the cost of my own property!

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