cobraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa | 70

Greetings, people of the world.

[Behind Cobra Commander, there appears to be some sort of tarp covered object. There’s no real uniform shape to it, and the tarp does a wonderful job concealing the fact that it’s just a bunch of boxes and assorted junk he’s cobbled together to create the impression that there’s something else under there.]

I assume that many of you are wondering what thisss object behind me is? Well, wonder no longer! Thisss is what will not only assure my victory over the world, but also will be the final argument to convince ssssome of you that I, Cobra Commander, am indeed someone you should all fear!

You see, thanks to ssssome of the greatest minds to ever inhabit this place, I finally have a device capable of harnessing the forces of nature themselves! Think about that means! The weather itself is mine to command! And mine to use against my enemies!

[And it’s the same for anyone else with access to certain Pokémon attacks, but Cobra’s hoping the tarp will distract people from thinking about that.]

But I have no interest in ruling over a frozen or flooded planet. Therefore, I’ll give you all one chance to sssspare yourselves such a fate. Simply turn over one-third of all the eggs in both Johto and Kanto to me and you won’t have to experience the full power of thisss weapon! Refuse and suffer the consequences!

I will give you one week to decide! One week!

{OOC: There’s more information about this here!}

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[...wow. This guy was DEFINITELY the special type of crazy. Then again, what else would you expect from a cartoon villain...]

...oh, sorry. I spaced out there for a second. You were saying something about weather? Partly cloudy with a high chance of bullshit, right?

No, that's not what I was ssssaying! If anything the forecast is partly devastating with a high chance of catastrophe!

[Or something like that anyway.]

[She just really wanted to use that line, okay Cobra. It had to be done.]

Okay, let's pretend this plan of yours isn't the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Why don't you give us a small demonstration? Right here, right now. Pull that tarp off that machine and make it rain. I dare you.

As I have already explained to another idiot, I refuse to be goaded into ssssuch a situation! This device requires a great deal of power, and I am currently siphoning energy in the event that my demands are not meant. Why on earth would I waste it now on something so trivial as a light drizzle, when in a week I can unleash a hurricane?

Because just about no one believes you? That thing could be made out of toilet paper rolls and duct tape for all we know. You want me to at least consider taking you seriously? Pull that tarp off and show me what the hell that thing is.

[Shrieking.]

Toilet paper rolls? Toilet paper rolls? You insult me! I guarantee you there is not a ssssingle toilet paper roll under there! How dare you accuse me of making such a shoddy device!

So you denied the toilet paper rolls. Great. Super.

...except you forgot about the duct tape. It's pretty impressive that you managed to build a working weather machine out of duct tape. Kudos.

There's no duct tape either! If I could build such a fearsssome weapon from duct tape, I would certainly be willing to admit it!

[Despite that, there probably is some duct tape holding some of the boxes in place.]

[Of course there is. Everyone knows duct tape is man's greatest creation.]

Wow, way to get a girl's hopes up only to dash them in pieces.

[Because she clearly sounds so bothered by this.]

Anyway, I still don't believe you, but I've gotta admit that this post amused me. So I'll tell you what; you keep making these bullshit posts about world domination and keep making them hysterical, and I'll buy you any egg you want in exchange. Sound fair?

[Totally Not A Lie. Maybe.]

[That's one more egg than he's currently received from this debacle! But Cobra's going to try and haggle for more.]

One hundred eggs.

One egg. Singular, not plural, and definitely not even close to one hundred.

Take it or leave it.

Fifty! Fifty and nothing lessss!

How many eggs did this threat get you?

[None.]

I'm ssstill in the process of calculating the total.

[NONE.]

I bet you can count them all on your right hand.

[LOOK AT THAT SMUG SMIRK.]

Whether I can or not is none of your business.

[He can't count them on any hand. Because there's none.]

Which means you have little to none, because if you had a lot of them you'd be bragging.

[That's true, he would be. But he's not going to admit that.]

Or it's because I don't want to give away the number of eggs at my disssposal just yet!

Well now you'll have however many you have [Probably zero.] plus one! How lucky are you?

I would be luckier if my demands were met in their entirety by now!

Well we can't all get what we want, can we?

That's true for mossst people, but I always get what I want! Always!

[It just takes a long time sometimes. He still hasn't received any of his prior demands but someday he will. Probably. Maybe. ...hopefully.]

[At least he tries. That's what matters.]

Oh. Well then; guess you sure showed me.

[Said in the most deadpan tone possible.]

Wrong! I haven't shown anyone anything yet! But in a week's time, I'll show them! I'll show them all!

[Cackling now. Because why not add in some cliché villainous laughter to that statement?]

Riiiight. You do that. Meanwhile, I'm just gonna go now. Enjoy your one egg.

[And click! Off goes the feed.]

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