Cobra Commander

[After an incredibly long absence, for Cobra anyway, Cobra Commander's made his return to the Pokegear. And he's in one of those weird nondescript rooms the Goldenrod Rocket base is apparently full of.

And there'd be some nostalgia over the fact that he hasn't broadcasted from here in quite some time, but he's too busy being mad.]

I sssspent months of planning, months of making sure everything was perfect! Only to fall victim to not just the handiwork of a couple of do-gooders, but of a ssssaboteur! But make no misstake, I am in no means deterred from continuing to do whatever I can to try and make thissss world mine! No prison, no act of ssssabotage, no ssself appointed heroes, nothing will ssstop me! Nothing!

[He's basically angrily shaking his fists at the camera. Wow.]

In fact, I will not ssstop until the world is mine, or the day I depart from thissss world! So if I were all of you, I would hope the latter happens sssssoon enough!

[And that's the end of his public tirade. Now if you're a Rocket, there'll be a message for you guys as well.]
( Private Rocket Video )

[Hey everybody, it's Cobra Commander on the feed again. Probably about to start rambling about that news broadcast again. Or not, since the subject of his broadcast today is something else entirely.]

I would just like to ssssay before I am falsely accused of anything else, that I have absolutely nothing to do with the bizarre weather today!

[Because seriously, why is there a snowstorm in June? What on earth is going on here?][Which should be pretty obvious to anyone who was around for the day Cobra Commander rampaged in Pallet Town with Pokemon using weather attacks...and got arrested for.]

Ssssso any attempts to pin thissss on me will be met with ssswift and effective retaliation! So don't even think about it!

[And with that done, he's going to go back to figuring out what to do about that news broadcast a few weeks ago.]

[Today's video is Cobra Commander, who appears to be back in his usual blue outfit. With another prom over and done with, his one decent set of clothes has disappeared into whatever closet it lives in for most of the year.]

I would like to set the record straight about a few things that happened over the weekend. First, ssssome of you may have seen me doing the unthinkable at that ridiculoussss gathering. Yes, I was in fact...

[Hang on. He's having trouble actually putting this into words. The indignity of it all.]

Fine! I'll come out and sssay it. I was washing dishes!

[There. He said it.]

But what I would like to make completely clear is that I was not forced to! Yessss, I was told to, but if I had decided not to go along with it, I could have easily refused! In fact, I could have made sure that no one ever asked me to do ssssuch a menial chore again!

[Overreacting? Nope, not him.]

Which brings me to the second thing I would like to point out. If anyone, anyone at all thinks they can force me to some ridiculousssss chore again, I don't care who they are, I will make sure that they regret ever attempting to do so!

[The feed ends there, so apparently that's it.]

[Today's video seems to be accidental in nature. The Gear's not near Cobra Commander, but he's visible in the shot, and doesn't seem to have any idea it's on. He's clearly yelling at someone, but whoever it is can't be seen in the frame.]

What do you mean it's missssing? I demand you check again! And keep checking until you find it! Do you have any idea what they'll do to me if they find out it's missing? Or any idea what I'll do to you? Because I guarantee that whatever Team Rocket does to me, I'll pay back to you tenfold!

[Yes, he apparently just outed himself as a Rocket to everyone watching the video. As if it wasn't already painfully obvious.]

Now go! Get out of here! And don't come back until you find it!

[Done with that, he turns around, notices the Pokegear, and just...stops, staring at it. If his expression were visible, he'd be looking horrified right now.]

What? How did this get here? Wraith, were you playing with my things again?

[And after picking up the Gear.]

This was recording? Sssso everyone saw....no! This is a complete disaster!

{OOC: So yeah, Cobra sure did out himself as a Rocket. And as to what's missing...it's nothing. There'll be an OOC post and another post later this month/early next month explaining more of what's going on, but basically he's up to no good again and trying to be sneakier about it. Keyword here is trying. And this was approved by both Sunny and Alex!}

[Cobra's not in that weird office room he tends to use for broadcasts today. No, today he seems to be recording from what looks like a house. And the focus isn't on himself, but instead what appears to be an assorted pile of junk. There's a backpack that has definitely seen better days, a sleeping bag, and oddly enough, six jars of Combee honey.]

If this was meant to be a gift or sssssome sort of appeasement, then I suggest that next time you try offering ssssomething I would actually want! Not thisss...thisss garbage!

But this is hardly the reason for me addressing you today, no, I have ssssomething far more important to discuss!

[And now the camera's back to him.]

No, I would like to discuss....Pokemon eggs! Or more sssspecifically the sale of them! Do you people ever think about who you're selling them to? Or what they're going to be used for? After all, these things are basically weapons, and you have no restrictions on them, no checks to ensue that the buyer is ssssomeone who can be trusted with such a thing, or even that they are who they ssssay they are!

Case in point, I've purchased a number of eggs from the lot of you, ssssome under fake identities, and some without any ssssort of false pretense whatsoever, and allow me to show you what your oh ssso generous unregulated Pokemon egg industry has given me!

[There's a Pokeball being held up to the camera now.]

Inside this ball is ssssomething that would be very difficult to obtain on my own. A rather destructive Pokemon, with a moveset the likes of which would take ages to acquire through regular channels! And while I was tempted to show it off at the time of purchase, I chose instead to wait, and reveal it in all of its fully evolved destructive glory!

[There's some fumbling with the camera as Cobra brings the Pokemon out and once the camera focuses, that's definitely a Tyranitar in Cobra's house. A Tyranitar that's roaring. And throwing his arms around. And those arms just took out part of Cobra's wall.]

No you idiot! Ssssstop doing that! Sssstop it! You'll bring the whole place down!

[And the feed cuts there while Cobra tries to keep Tyranitar from wrecking what's left of his house.]

Thissss is impossible!

[What the video shows might be confusing to some since Cobra is somehow back in jail. And in complete disbelief over it. ]

Imposssssible! How? I demand an explanation for thisss!

[Not an explanation for how he got here so much as one that explains why he can’t get out. Not with his Pokémon, and not with the weird hairdryer thing laser pistol he’s waving in front of the camera. And last time he checked, the buildings here shouldn’t be blastproof.]

I demand to know who is responsible for thisss…thisss…thissss impossible reincarceration! Once I find you, I’ll have you shot for thisssss! Do you hear me? Shot!

[He hasn’t exactly figured out how he’s going to shoot someone through this glitched cell though.]

And ssssomeone get me out of here! Now! I don't care what else is going on! This should be your number one priority!

[The video today is somewhat different from Cobra’s normal videos. For one, it’s outside. Two, he hasn’t really gone to any lengths to hide his location. Lavender Town’s music can clearly be heard in the background. Three, he has the camera pointed to the sky.]

Look!

[He’ll just leave it on as the sun sets and the moon rises, displaying…the same moon there always is. At this point, the video begins to resemble a usual Cobra broadcast since he’s not very happy about whatever it is he was trying to show.]

What? Imposssible! I distinctly remember-

[A bunch of scattered things, but he’s pretty sure the moon was involved somehow.]

Why is there nothing there? Thisss can't be!

[And Cobra shuts off the Gear there since whatever he wanted to show people isn’t there. Apparently he wasted several minutes of the viewer's time for nothing.]

{OOC: So since we’re allowed to remember things from this 4th Wall, Cobra Commander remembers flying towards the moon with the intent of doing something. What exactly that was and whether he succeeded or not is unfortunately something he doesn’t really recall. He’s going to assume he succeed though because he can’t see how he could fail at anything!}

( Private Video for Rockets )

[When the public feed starts, the first thing that might be noticeable is that wherever Cobra is seems to have some fancy Shuppet print curtains on the outside of the windows.

…oh wait, they’re moving. Not that Cobra’s noticed this; he has much more important things on his mind.]

One million dollars. One million dollars to the person who finds the man who stole my chair.

[Said money may or may not be sheets of paper with Cobra’s face, good only for the day when he rules the world.]

Attached, you will find a list of aliases and identifying characteristics. Good luck.

[And sure enough, the information comes up on the screen shortly.


Name: ???
Aliases: El Zorua/The Fox
Location: Unknown, but prior information indicates they are familiar with the Cianwood/Olivine area
Identifying Characteristics: Male, Spanish accent, familiar with history, primarily American history
Reward: $1,000,000 for live capture and successful delivery to Cobra Commander ]

[Cobra Commander actually managed to do things this week besides complain, and because of that, there’s two badges sitting on the table in the video. The Rainbow Badge and the Thunder Badge to be precise. Meaning for those who keep track of these things, he can actually use Fly now, obtained Strength, Giga Drain, and Thunder, all of which will be put to use at some point.]

Sssso that makes four. Three Gyms in Kanto, and one in Johto, and none of them have been worth the effort! Not a ssssingle one! I'm amazed that you people even bother with going around, trying to get them a-

[His rant is cut short as a Haunter sneaks up behind him, and in one quick move, yanks the hood off of his head. The camera moves from the badges to the laughing Haunter holding his mask.]

What? Give that back! Right now!

[The feed cuts out there.]

{OOC: Badges are mod approved, of course.

He'll be responding after he manages to get his mask back.}

[Hey look, it’s Trubbish again. Not much has changed over the past couple weeks. It still looks like a happy trash bag. What has changed is the Commander’s attitude about it. He sounds pretty happy, nowhere near how he acted around Valentine’s Day, but still pretty pleased about the “garbage” he’s showing all of Johto. Especially after he realized what it was, with no help from anyone else, of course.]

Guesssss what, Johto? I was wrong! It’s not garbage! It’s a Pokémon! And not just any ordinary Pokémon! It sssspews poison gas! Isn’t that amazing?

[Despite his question, he doesn't really care if anyone else shares his enthusiasm for using Pokémon for things like this.]