Cobra Commander

[Today we have Cobra Commander on the Gear, looking well, about the same as always. It's hard to figure out where he is, but judging from the bgm and the metal walls, a ship is probably a good guess? But which ferry? Or cruiseliner? That's the question.]

I've decided that after my unfortunate...outburssst last month, that a change of sssscenery was overdue.

[That's not really an apology for screaming at everyone in private and public, but it's certainly something at least?]

And it has done wonders for providing me with a new outlook on life.

[Though...what that means isn't exactly a conversation for today.]

However, everything I sssssaid last time still applies. Everything.

[In other words, he's still furious.]

And ssssome of it will apply ssssooner than you think.

[Having been as cryptic as possible, he kills the feed there. He'll answer any responses of course, but as to what he's talking about, he'll keep that under his hood for now.]

{OOC: Curious as to what this is about? Head over here for more info!}

[Yep, it's Cobra again. But wait, don't touch that dial because today is actually the day he does stuff! Which might become obvious because when the video starts he seems to be...in the air, standing on some sort of metal thing. So yep, stuff's happening today.

Now, in theory, he should probably be preoccupied with the Rocket text that went out a couple days ago, but he's not postponing his plans just because the admins decided they want them all to do things. He's Cobra Commander, and he does things on his schedule, not anyone else's.

Unless of course they force him to stick to their schedule, but that's not the point today!]

I thought that this time...thissss time, you all might have actually understood what I was up to and had the ssssense to meet my demands. Obvioussssly, I was wrong.

[Wow, Cobra actually admitted he was wrong.]

So sssince no one seems to understand what a game changer my device is, allow me to provide the final demonstration of Project M.E.T.A.L.'s power!

[Cobra steps towards the edge of the platform and...that sure is the Cherrygrove Spa down there. Yup.]

Lock On!

[There's no visible effect or anything, but the Magnezones under the platform have locked on to their target.]

Fire!

[And suddenly six Zap Cannons rain down, all hitting the target and pretty much wrecking that poor spa. Nobody's getting any treatments there any time soon, that's for sure.]

I trust that you now underssstand the power I possess!

[He'll just back away from the edge now.]

But it's an underssstanding that has come far too late! Because you've failed to meet my demands, the ressst of Cherrygrove City can expect the sssame fate!

[From somewhere behind Cobra, there's a weird detaching noise followed by the sound of something falling and then um...impacting the ruins of the spa.]

What?!

[He'll just disconnect the feed there. No sense in showing the whole world what went wrong and ruining any villain cred he's just gained.]

{OOC: The log for the people wrecking the machine is here! Have fun guys!

And responses to this might be slow over the next couple of days due to my laptop needing repairs, but I'll try be around as much as I can!

And yes, the damage to the spa was approved by Alex and Sunny!}

[There's a bit of a change from his last few broadcasts since Cobra Commander's not out blowing stuff up again today. No, he's just sitting in one of those miscellaneous office rooms he tends to broadcast from when he's not out causing problems for everyone.

Of course that doesn't mean he's can't cause problems from here because well, that's his intention for today.]

For the past few months, I have been tesssting a project that I have sworn is unlike anything else that has been developed in thissss world before! And some of you have chosen to make a mockery of my geniusssss. Those of you who have done ssso have chosen poorly.

[Because today's finally the day he's going to attack right?]

Because two weeks from today, there will be no more demonstrations. Two weeks from today, I will use my invention to attack a target of my choosing! And you will all be completely incapable of doing anything about it!

[...oh, apparently he's going to drag this out a bit longer.]

In one week's time I will announce my demands and the target I have ssselected. Feel free to sssspend the next week or so dwelling on what they could be or the missssguided notion that you can sssstop me!

[And the feed ends after way too much evil laughter from Cobra.]

{OOC: Still taking signups for people to shoot him down if anyone's interested!}

[Cobra's off in what appears to be a wooded area today. There's a house off to the side which...doesn't really do much to identify where he is, but still, a house!]

Greetings citizens of Johto, Kanto. It's been ssssome time since I've had reason to addresssss you all like this.

[Technically, he just made a broadcast last month, but that's not really what he's talking about. ...but on a possibly related note, it has been a few months since he attacked that news station.

And he's still showing off that house in the background. Look, he rented it. He wants you all to see what he does with his money.]

Over the years certain individuals, myssself among them, have perpetrated various acts of violence and terrorism on thissss world, usually utilizing either Pokemon...or more conventional methods, ssssuch as that little war waged in Ecruteak the other day.

[Or maybe it wasn't so little, doesn't really matter. Cobra wants to talk about Cobra and his accomplishments today, not what that “Seth” guy is doing over in Ecruteak.]

Sssso I've decided that it's time to try something new. A blending of conventional weaponry and Pokemon as it were. A project I've dubbed Project M.E.T.A.L.!

[Magnetic Emission Tactical Assault Laser, if anyone's curious and doesn't feel like asking. A fancy name for...shooting things with Magnezones. Or what are going to one day be Magnezones.]

Of course, at this point, we all know that actions ssssspeak far louder than words, sssso I've arranged for a little demonstration.

[Okay, so now the house is going to come into play, since Cobra's focusing on it with the camera.]

Ready...aim...fire!

[And from off camera comes a beam of some sort that's uh...well, if anyone's seen Flash Cannon, sort of like that. Except it's a bit larger since it's about six of them aligned to fire together and impact the wall of that house.

...the house that he rented just to do this. Yup. This is what Cobra Commander does with his money.

With that demonstration done, he'll switch to audio until he gets over there, so enjoy the background music for the Mahogany area and the sound of Cobra walking for a moment.

Okay, it's live again and there's a lovely view of the wrecked wall as well as the interior of the room behind the wall which looks blasted all to hell. It could be worse, but suffice to say, he is not getting his deposit back. But enough about that, he's going to turn the camera to himself so he can address everyone personally.]

No doubt ssssome of you are unimpressed. But consider thisss a taste of things to come. The finished product will be much more devastating, and I guarantee it will be unlike anything this world has ever ssssseen!

[And he'll just cackle into the camera before ending the feed because that's his usual way of ending these things.]

{OOC: So, as you some of you might have noticed, Cobra's been mentioning that he's been working on something for the last few months. This is part of it! When it's all finished in a couple of months or so, there'll definitely be more information on it and the chance to foil his stupid evil, okay mostly stupid, plan. So this is basically phase one of a much larger stupid thing.

And this was mod approved by Sunny and Alex!}

[When the feed starts Cobra's...laughing. It probably has something to do with the fact that he's inside and not caught outside in the torrential downpour of Espurrs. And he's not planning on heading outside until this is all over whenever that may be.]

Brilliant! This is brilliant! I was wondering if anyone would ever try ssssomething like this again!

[He goes on laughing on camera for quite a while before realizing that he should probably explain.]

Oh, that's right. I suppose most of you have absolutely no idea what I'm going on about. And thissss time I'll chalk it up to ignorance and not your overwhelming ssstupidity.

[Okay, now that he's insulted everyone watching, he'll explain.]

Ssssome time ago, a rather...unbalanced individual who used to be here, unleashed a rain of exploding Pineco on Goldenrod City causing untold amounts of dessstruction and devessstation! And as far as I know, he was never caught, ssso I've wondered for some time why no one's tried it again!

[Of course he's leaving out the parts where he didn't like said attack stealing his thunder and had a pinecone explode in his face...but Cobra feels things like that are better off being removed from this Johto history lesson.]

Though it is sssslightly disappointing that the persons responsible didn't bother to teach them Explosion before launching them.

I would like to issssue a formal complaint about that sssso called news report that I'm sure all of you have seen by now. I have absolutely no idea why they would issue such a missssleading report, but despite that description, that was not me! I had nothing to do with any of that!

[As far as he knows anyway.]

I wasn't even in Goldenrod City at the time of the attack!

[That part's true.]

Sssso it is beyond me why these reporters would take it upon themsssselves to report ssssomething so obviously false! And I don't care where that description came from! I'm not going to allow my name to be sssslandered by them, the police, or anyone else! Essspecially for crimes I didn't commit!

[If he had his army of evil lawyers here, he would've already filed a ridiclous amount of lawsuits over this, but all he can do for now is yell at things.]

And if it's not sssslander, and there's some idiot out there trying to impersssonate me again, then whoever you are, you have made a very grave missstake. A mistake that I promise you will regret for the resssst of your soon to be completely miserable life!

[The feed ends there since Cobra's done screaming at the camera for now.]

[Today's video is Cobra Commander, who appears to be back in his usual blue outfit. With another prom over and done with, his one decent set of clothes has disappeared into whatever closet it lives in for most of the year.]

I would like to set the record straight about a few things that happened over the weekend. First, ssssome of you may have seen me doing the unthinkable at that ridiculoussss gathering. Yes, I was in fact...

[Hang on. He's having trouble actually putting this into words. The indignity of it all.]

Fine! I'll come out and sssay it. I was washing dishes!

[There. He said it.]

But what I would like to make completely clear is that I was not forced to! Yessss, I was told to, but if I had decided not to go along with it, I could have easily refused! In fact, I could have made sure that no one ever asked me to do ssssuch a menial chore again!

[Overreacting? Nope, not him.]

Which brings me to the second thing I would like to point out. If anyone, anyone at all thinks they can force me to some ridiculousssss chore again, I don't care who they are, I will make sure that they regret ever attempting to do so!

[The feed ends there, so apparently that's it.]

[Cobra's not in that weird office room he tends to use for broadcasts today. No, today he seems to be recording from what looks like a house. And the focus isn't on himself, but instead what appears to be an assorted pile of junk. There's a backpack that has definitely seen better days, a sleeping bag, and oddly enough, six jars of Combee honey.]

If this was meant to be a gift or sssssome sort of appeasement, then I suggest that next time you try offering ssssomething I would actually want! Not thisss...thisss garbage!

But this is hardly the reason for me addressing you today, no, I have ssssomething far more important to discuss!

[And now the camera's back to him.]

No, I would like to discuss....Pokemon eggs! Or more sssspecifically the sale of them! Do you people ever think about who you're selling them to? Or what they're going to be used for? After all, these things are basically weapons, and you have no restrictions on them, no checks to ensue that the buyer is ssssomeone who can be trusted with such a thing, or even that they are who they ssssay they are!

Case in point, I've purchased a number of eggs from the lot of you, ssssome under fake identities, and some without any ssssort of false pretense whatsoever, and allow me to show you what your oh ssso generous unregulated Pokemon egg industry has given me!

[There's a Pokeball being held up to the camera now.]

Inside this ball is ssssomething that would be very difficult to obtain on my own. A rather destructive Pokemon, with a moveset the likes of which would take ages to acquire through regular channels! And while I was tempted to show it off at the time of purchase, I chose instead to wait, and reveal it in all of its fully evolved destructive glory!

[There's some fumbling with the camera as Cobra brings the Pokemon out and once the camera focuses, that's definitely a Tyranitar in Cobra's house. A Tyranitar that's roaring. And throwing his arms around. And those arms just took out part of Cobra's wall.]

No you idiot! Ssssstop doing that! Sssstop it! You'll bring the whole place down!

[And the feed cuts there while Cobra tries to keep Tyranitar from wrecking what's left of his house.]

[When the feed starts, there's a clear view of a strange cup of some sort on Cobra's desk. He wanted to show it off sooner, but with the glitches and everything from a couple weeks ago, he figured it best to wait until things calmed down.]

No doubt many of you are wondering what thisssss is, and why I am bringing it your attention. Allow me to explain. As some of you may know, in 1867 the United Sssstates of America purchased Alaska from Russia. What you may not know is that a provision in the treaty involved the transfer of this item, the Seal of Alaska, from the Russian government to the American one. Unfortunately the ship carrying the seal sank, and it was thought lost forever.

However, my operatives were able to recover the seal, thus taking possession of Alaska...for a time. Unfortunately due to their incompetence and interference by varioussss government agencies, the seal ended up in the hands of the United Sssstates government. Until now.

You ssssee, while all of you received whatever ridiculous, useless knicknack from your homes a few weeks ago, I actually received sssssomething useful! The Seal of Alaska! Which according to the language of the treaty, means that I, Cobra Commander, am now the rightful owner of ssssaid state!

[And clearly having a gaudy jeweled goblet that signifies ownership of land that isn't even in this world is cause for him to cackle. So he's just going to laugh until the feed ends.]